Episode #166 ^{_{(Click to Listen)}}

With Martha Kilpatrick and hosted by John Enslow
Special Guest: Jacquelyn

(M) It’s been on my heart to reveal a little bit about body life, and that real body life led by the Spirit is not a formula; it’s a living organism. And if you’re living with the Spirit, you’re going to be in sort of a constant growing repentance. (Martha laughs.) Growth is through repentance. And I read something by T. Austin Sparks. He says, “When the Spirit moves, so many times we make it a system and an organization, and we kill the Spirit. But when the Spirit is allowed to be in control He is ever after two things; the exaltation of Jesus, and for that the cleansing of the individual and of the group.” And so we repent of many things, ongoing. And sometimes we repent of something we saw five years ago and ten years ago. We repent of whatever the Holy Spirit brings. And I have really been on a revelation of the blood of Christ; I just did a “Tape of the Month”, for March, but there’s more He’s given me that is just astounding. So we are going to take communion this morning. But before we do that, we’re going to read from 1Cor. 11. And it’s Paul’s repeating of the last supper where Jesus said…He took the cup and said, “This cup is the new covenant in My blood, as you drink it, remember Me.” And then it says, “Whoever therefore eats the bread, or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner, will be guilty concerning the body and blood of the Lord. Let a person examine himself then, and so eat of the bread, and drink of the cup. For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body, eats and drinks judgment on himself.” It’s a very serious thing to take communion, but it’s crucial to do so. “Let a person examine himself. That is why many of you are weak and ill, and some have died. But if we judged ourselves truly, we would not be judged. But when we are judged by the Lord, we are disciplined, so that we may not be condemned along with the world.” If we seriously took the blood of Christ in the wine and the bread, and if we came to that event as a symbol of the complete payment of the blood, and examined ourselves, we would avoid a lot of chastening of the Lord. And I began my walk in the Episcopal Church. And in the Episcopal Church at that time, many years ago, the communion table was the center of the whole denomination. It was… that was the center. And you came to it in all seriousness. And I was taught, and it was at that time the charismatic movement, of the power of that communion, and the sufficiency of the blood.  And in the communion there was healing. And I understand now, why. Because Psalm 103 says, “Remember, and don’t forget all the benefits of the Lord. He has forgiven all our iniquities, and He has healed all our diseases.” But first comes forgiveness. And I was kind of schooled in the power of the communion table; and so for me that’s an ingrained practice of life and coming to that table in all seriousness. So we’re going to sort of have body life this morning, and see where we go with this. So Jacquelyn has brought a very transparent confession. And it’s not… and it’s not an immature confession.  It’s a very mature, real confession. So, I open it up with great reverence for the Spirit on her, and her willingness to share her walk with everyone.
(Jacquelyn) I was sick for several days, and I began to suspect that I had made myself sick. But I didn’t know the how.  How in the world could a person do that. And then the Lord reminded me of a fit that I’d pitched several days ago when I said to Him, “The things that I do, I don’t want to do, and the things I want to do, I don’t do.  I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself!” And I said it over and over again during that day. It wasn’t just a onetime thing. And that was His revelation to me, that that is how I made myself sick. I didn’t forgive myself, I didn’t ask for forgiveness, and I didn’t take the blood. And I just opened my Bible to this scripture in 1Cor. 4:4, “I am not conscious of anything against myself, and I feel blameless, but I am not vindicated and acquitted before God on that account.” And this is the verse, “It is the Lord Himself who examines and judges me.” And I saw through that verse that I took God’s place, and I became God. And I examined myself, and I judged myself, and I found myself guilty, and I punished myself. And by not taking His blood, I began to see through that that, through the…Martha sent me the notes of the last prayer meeting that I wasn’t there, because I was sick. I poured over those notes. And I began to see and realize and understand (That’s the “Amplified, me.”) that I did not have life, His life; I had death in me, because I did not forgive myself and take the blood. And so I took communion after that, and I still felt the same. And I think I’ve taken communion three times since yesterday, which was probably absolutely unnecessary. But last night as I was going to sleep I was thinking, I, I still feel that death in my soul. And it’s like His life just exploded in me. I had to wait for that Life, for that blood to start flowing and exploding. And so I ask your forgiveness, the body’s forgiveness for bringing that death. I wasn’t here with you, but I am with you.  I am a part of this body. So please forgive me.
(M) Thank you, Jacquelyn, so much for that. What I see is you missed the prayer meeting where that revelation was present. By punishing yourself, you kept yourself from the remedy. But you’re, you’re getting it anyway by His grace. But that’s what we do. And I, I know how to do it too. I think it’s very common. I think we do many things that… I think sometimes we’ll wail our way into the presence of God, rather than taking the blood to go, so… I think what you’ve given is extremely normal for Christians.
(Jacquelyn) You know, Jennifer said… the other day I think she; I think you said something about you could take God’s wrath.  Give me God’s wrath, but not His grace. And that came back to me. It’s crazy that I can take His wrath rather than just say I forgive myself and go on. It’s just absolutely insane.
(M) Well, all the revelation of this is going to come out, probably in the April “Tape of the Month”. So… Anyone else?
(J) Well uhmm, the… When you say the word judge, ahmm, sometimes that word can be confused in the mind, with condemn, and ah, condemnation. And I have often gone to condemnation of self, rather than judging self. I don’t go in with the light of God and say, this is who I am, this is what He’s revealing. I go and do the exact same thing; I beat myself up with it. And back in August of 2008, I had a very similar experience, where I  had a lot of self-hatred, and I verbalized it to someone. And within two weeks I had that numbness come on me. And I said when it hit… I realized, oh, oh this is really a chastisement because of my self-hatred. And because of the condemnation that I put on myself, as it says in Romans that, “There is no condemnation…”  And I chose condemnation, and I said to myself, you know, whatever.  I hate myself, or I hate this aspect; I hate this.  I… you know. And for those of you that don’t know, I had a numbness come across my body that literally went all the way up my left arm, my hand; both legs I couldn’t feel. I couldn’t feel my middle section.  I couldn’t even feel myself when I used the restroom. And that lasted while we were at a conference in San Francisco, California. And it really scared me to death. I mean I was freaked out. And Martha had a real faith about it, and I just kind of rode on her faith, because I was really scared. And to this day I still have numbness in my fingers; my three fingers on my left hand. And I know specifically that that was a…it was kind of like the limb through the windshield when I spoke to God. (John laughs.)  It was very much like that; it’s like saying, ah, we’re not going here. And I have had that chastisement and sickness, so…that whole condemnation thing is … When you take it over into that, and you don’t go in under the light, and judge yourself openly as He is the source of the ending of that, and you go in to punish yourself and condemn yourself, then He allows you to have that condemnation and that punishment. And mine was pretty severe. Uhmm, so…
(M) Then I watched the enormous nurture and grace of God on you, because He took you… It could have cost many thousands of dollars. It could have taken you through enormous expense and who knows what kind of strange diagnosis? But He led you specifically to an easy diagnosis, an easy remedy. What’s interesting is the blessing it became for all us. Since you brought this up, what it led to was this very restricted diet, and we entered it with you. And it has blessed us all; all who have conformed to it. And so, not only did God begin to heal you, and you began to repent deeply and long term about it, He used it to bless us, and He used it to bless you. And I think to prepare us for the future. It was an amazing experience of grace, even though it was this chastisement that He mentions here. And if we understood that to forgive ourselves is equally as crucial as forgiving anyone else, and that… What I’m going to go into is that when you don’t take the blood of Christ and His life, you put yourself under the Law, and call for punishment. And it’s not God’s choice. He would rather us take the blood and be current and aware of our sin, and conscious of the Spirit who is ever ready to tell us. And we tolerate above all hatreds, an unforgiveness for ourselves. And that is nothing but pride. And I’m not going to tell you how I know that. (Martha laughs.) But this pride, ‘I will not be a nothing’. So I hate myself for being a nothing, and inept, and so forth and so on. But it’s, it’s… And vulnerable, Jacquelyn says. That’s, that is a huge word, vulnerable, needy.
(Jacquelyn) That was what I said, that I was vulnerable and needy.
(M) And I was dealing with that this morning very, very early. That I’m in a peculiar weakness and helplessness, and I chaff against it, and I try to accept it, and, and ah, I can’t. And this morning I just said, “I bow my neck, and I accept that I am helpless and utterly needy.” And that is ever an ongoing challenge of the Lord, that weakness in one form or another. Right now for me it’s physical. And ah, but anyway, thank you, Jacquelyn and John.  That’s crucial for the body to know how to deal with self-hatred, and how detrimental it is. I don’t think I’ve ever heard this lesson, or this illustration anywhere, and it’s desperately needed.