From my journal:
February 1, 2001

When I forgive the person, it is not finished; I must move to see
God's purpose and His sovereignty for ME in the offense.
Until I see God as the Force behind my crushing,
I can never come to complete forgiveness.

God is in control. The "Blessed Controller."

His control has a purpose and an aim.

UNForgiveness is: rebellion against God and adultery with the world because it
means you want something from this life. That you don't value the next life wherein
is your reward for being wronged or falsely accused.
O Beloved God, this morning I see
your love and special protection of me . . . .

* * *

I love You, Lord - I dance and worship YOU for
what you have allowed to come into my life.
I love You, God Almighty, for what you have sent
to pierce, humiliate, torture, disappoint,
and wrong "THE BIG ME."
I adore You for my murder!

You humiliated me in the place of honor I sought.
You destroyed me in the eyes of those I admired.
You bolted the door against my knocking.
You blocked the path of my insistence.
You! it was You . . . all along. My Beloved.

In doing so, you came to kill my ambition and arrogance,
my desire for the approval of man, my lust for acclaim.
You have murdered not my lovers, but - my loves.
Loved ones, mother, children, things, church, position.
You have fiercely, violently - as a Jealous Lover - destroyed
my pillows of comfort,
my caverns of hiding,
my safe harbors,
my vile altars and . . .
my own throne.

The offenses over which I stumbled . . . were
the sword of Your severing,
freeing my heart from
the prisons of my putrid affections.

With every violent swing of your sword,
you set me free -
not of my dreams as I believed,
but - of my chains.

You have given me,
through injustice, slander, pain and persecution,
my heart's desire:
to belong only to You.

My thirst for You was hindered by my inability -
no, my unwillingness - to let go.
Your Love - "cruel as the grave" did it for me.

I adore You for Your Brutal Love,
Your relentless fight for my affections.
Your destruction of
my lovers . . . father, mother, sister, brother, lands
children . . . o children.

I fall before the Beautiful Feet that have
trodden the very soul of my suffering,
ever pressing me into wine, flavored for Your tasting.
Drink, my Lovely Lord, of Your crushed FRUIT.

I kiss those Merciless Feet with tears of gratitude
for the crushings of my idolatry.

You love me! You do so love me!
Every wrong, every humiliation was a blow
from Your Saving Love,
Your Blaze of Jealousy,
Your unbending demand of all my love.

You have fought ME, for me.

And you have used my enemies - and my friends! -
to crush my soul and effect my release.

Yours is the Hand that Joseph finally saw, hidden behind
the cruelty of his murderous brothers,
the injustice of his imprisonment.
Your Sovereign Hand crushed him through the wrongs
You allowed (and even authored).
All along, Your Skillful Fingers were molding
him into readiness for
a place of reigning,
a prosperity of riches,
a position of honor.

And so You are doing to me. To all of us.

When you worship God for His Controlling Hand
and embrace the offenses,
as Jesus did, then you are a Joseph.
It was not from his brothers
. . . not from the Egyptians
. . . not even from Satan.

It was all from God
and all for Joseph's destiny - not merely a work he had to do
but a glorious display of his faithfulness
and a perfect vindication of his secret passage to God.

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Copyright © 2001 Martha Blaney Kilpatrick